Transitions

My husband and I are facing transitions coming up in our relationship. For 28 (almost 29) years we have seen ourselves as parents of a large family, but they are about to be launched and sometime in the next 5 years we might be back down to the two of us. To be fair, it has never been just the two of us; my step-son was 4 when we got married so I got the instant family that I had not planned on when I was a girl. Now, with the youngest of 6 about to turn 17 and looking forward to her graduation in a year and a half, we have to find ourselves in a totally different situation than we’re used to. Change can be scary. Will we like the people our children marry? Will they be able to have children? Will they be able to afford children? What will their expectations be for us? Will their in-laws want to change our traditions because they don’t fit in with ours? These and many more questions plague me. Even more serious are questions like: Have I raised them right? Do they get what we were trying to instill in them? Will they stay faithful to the church? Will they stay faithful to each other? Did we do enough? Did we do too much? Some of the answers will just have to wait for their launchings. Change can be different. I like to kid about the kind of food we will eat when we don’t have picky children to feed. I talk about shopping at the healthier and sometimes more expensive stores when they’re gone. I wonder about how we will decide what we want to eat when it’s just the hubby and I. We mostly agree, but we have a hard time sometimes even just picking a restaurant. And then there’s the thought of chores. We will not be able to blame any messes on the children that don’t live here unless, like the grandchildren we already have, they are here a lot and the messes remain. Still questions persist. Will I be lonely without my children around me? Will I feel free? Change can be good. I now share my craft room with the son that I thought would be gone on a mission at this time. He didn’t go. Now he sleeps here and I wait for him to wake up so I can study and work. The hubby and I have discussed big plans for this extra master that I use as my “craft room” (read “crap room” and about how we will get rid of the big bed we’ve kept here for visitors (one of the reasons why this son like sleeping here) and we will get a pull out couch and make this room better. We are also in the process of remodeling one step at a time. We’ve just finished new sheds and are looking to do the kitchen in the next couple of years. We have big plans of what to do with the master bedroom, which includes the idea of knocking down the wall between our room and our daughter’s room when she no longer lives there. Will we be haunted by her childish laughter? Will we look for the boys around corners? Will I ever feel comfortable coming into this room early in the morning instead of waiting for the sleeping boy to emerge? One thing I know. Even if we change our minds about staying here and fixing everything up, even if we end up going back to Utah because all the kids have left the state of Arizona, even if nothing turns out like we plan, one thing we have. For me home is where my hubby is. And I think home for him is where I am as well. He is the love of my life. One of the readings for the marriage class this week talked about how the person you’re married to when you hit 65 is not the same person you married in your twenties. It’s like a renewal every year you are together, with the pain, and the growth and the changes; if you’re lucky and careful, you will choose that person again and again. Forever.

If Ye Are Not One

When I was young I did a lot of babysitting. A LOT. I was in and out of many different types of homes with many different types of children. I think one of the best lessons I learned from this experience came from my step-uncle and his wife. They ended up having 8 kids, I think, but I babysat for them when they had 6. They were busy, active, and sometimes rebellious. On one occasion, their parents said that the oldest boys could go to a friend’s house up the street from them. They gave me instructions on when they should come home and left for their outing. Those rotten boys decided to stay way past their time. I was kind of in a bind, stuck home with a smaller baby and the younger kids who I could not leave. When the boys did finally come home, they had taken off their shoes and socks and filled their socks with mud. Noisily and rebelliously, they entered the house and I told them to go straight to the bathroom and have a bath (they were filthy, as you can imagine.) They wanted to play and splash each other and they got mud everywhere. I was doing the best I could to get them to clean up themselves and the bathroom when their parents returned. I was terrified that I would be blamed and I felt like a complete failure that night. However, my step-uncle and his wife were kindly understanding of my predicament. They came in and took charge. What struck me was the way they handled their wayward boys. They were calm and direct. They didn’t speak over each other. It was like they had predetermined what they would do and they didn’t have to think about it. The situation was handled perfectly, the boys were told they were no longer able to go play with the neighbors when they were being babysat, and they paid me and took me home. I determined then and there I wanted that kind of relationship. Fast forward to our life today. I have learned many life lessons since I was a young babysitter, but I still strive with my husband to have a unified front to the world. Sometimes this is easier said than done. We had one experience that really taught us, at least in a situation with our children, how such unity is accomplished. We had a wayward teenaged daughter who was very difficult to manage. She was angry all the time. She would tell people outrageous stories and lies. When we would confront her with them, she would just get angrier and more rebellious. The more we argued, the less we could deal with the situation. At the time, she was doing some therapy with a counselor, and the counselor would call me in periodically to talk about her and the situation. On one such occasion, she asked how things were going at home. I explained how rough it was, and she gave me so great advice. She said that when my husband and I got angry with her and argued with her, it wasn’t working, which was obvious. She counseled me to talk to my husband and take a step back from the situation when we discovered another mistake that our daughter was making. She said we should pray about it, and that we were not to confront her until the Spirit told us what to do. This totally turned things around and helped us until the time when we discovered the cause of our daughter’s behavior. I think my uncle and aunt must have worked out ahead of time, that when their rowdy, unruly kids got in trouble, they would not argue with them or cause contention. They were a united front. In marriages, there is often a power struggle. Sometimes you want your spouse to do things your way; sometimes they want you to see their side. I think that in an egalitarian relationship, where spouses are equal partners, you need to have the Spirit always by your side to show you how to be united. When you seek the Lord’s will, you will be more concerned with what’s right rather than who’s right. This is the model for all relationships. Elder M. Russell Ballard has a book that talks in detail about how to achieve this in your ward responsibilities, in your family, and in your marriage. It is called, “Counseling in Your Councils.” I highly recommend it.