You Gotta Want It

Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something. I think marriage is hard because it is meant to be. Hollywood sells us a false image of falling in love and having everything turn out to be roses and chocolate, and yes, there are moments like that in marriage, but most of the time, it’s hard work. I love this meme:

I had a friend ask me what it means when I say that marriage is hard. She thought that a happy marriage meant that you are happy a lot of the time but then you have troubles, you deal with them and then you move on. When I told my husband this we laughed together. What does a happy marriage look and feel like? I think it's different for every couple. For us, there are times when we are more under stress and things get a little patchy. He might be a little short with me or I might be a little distant with him, and it usually has more to do with whatever we're going through at the moment. I got after him a while ago because he had overreacted to a bad meal that I had prepared. The circumstances of the meal don't really matter. I had to count to 10. There is a lot of that going on in any reasonable couple's married life I think. I told him plainly that i hadn't appreciated his comments and the way they were delivered, trying to remain calm. It was a "You know I love you but..." moment. He took it in, and then he admitted that he was feeling a little pressured from someone he was working with and said he might have taken it out on me a little. There was some forgiving and forgettting that had to happen, but that stuff happens in a long-term relationship where both spouses are trying to figure out how to deal with stress. I am an anxious person and sometimes that comes out as we drive in the car. Once I told him, "Can't you just drive there the way I want you to?" As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I realized what I had said and how I had said it. I apologized and we laughed over it, but this stuff happens all the time. Dr. John Gottman shares in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work,” that most of the time our arguments aren’t really about the argument itself. It’s about bids for our spouse’s attention. He said, “In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent. It’s telling that most of the arguments between couples in both groups were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for attention” (pg. 88). Could it be that asking each other what you want to eat is really a bid for connection? What a deep thought. Another thing that we need to realize about a covenant marriage is that it is not meant to be a Hollywood like fake experience for either party. I think it helps to go into a marriage understanding that each of us is imperfect, and that sometimes no one is “right.” The biggest gift we can give ourselves and our partner is the space to stop trying to be “right” and the idea that together we can figure out what is right. As H. Wallace Goddard said in his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” “As we turn from ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or difference in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity.” For Randy and me, turning towards each other comes in those little moments. When he sees me doing the dishes and he takes over. When I bring him lunch. When he tickles me as I walk past him. When we hear a song we like and our hands just naturally come together. When we smile together at a shared joke. Sometimes those moments are hard fought and won wars after we’ve had a petty disagreement or after one or the other of us has not felt heard or appreciated. Things are not always going to be perfect. We are each two imperfect beings. I don’t mean to paint a picture where everything is rosy. There have been plenty of tears, anger-filled moments, heartbreaks, repentance and forgiveness. But that’s what makes a long term covenant marriage glorious. It is recognizing that through our mutual commitment to each other we can reach out to the Savior and His Atonement to help us mend our fences and become the people we are meant to be. Brother Goddard mentions one of my favorite scriptures in his book: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). He says, “I would add, fret not, panic not.” President Howard W. Hunter said, “…whatever Jesus lays his hand upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” (“Reading the Scriptures,” Ensign, Nov. 1979 pg. 65) And after all, aren’t we looking for eternal life?

Attitude is Everything About three years ago, my husband was very unhappy with his job. He had worked for his company for a long time, and he felt like he wasn’t appreciated and that there was no room for growth. Fast-forward a year from that, he was in a new job with a new company that required a lot of travel. He was getting a little frustrated with it, and he had heard others in the company complain about it as well. He was shadowing another employee when he spoke of his grievances and concerns. His fellow employee had a totally different opinion of being a contractor. He felt like it liberated him from company politics and he was able to focus more on his job than on interoffice rivalries or other distractions. My husband pondered this and realized that he had been sucked into the negative attitudes that were around him. When he started looking for them, he could find benefits from his job all over the place. I think marriage can be like that. When we are so focused and distracted by petty little annoyances, they can seem magnified in our eyes. They make us lose focus on what’s important. The cloud the big picture. It is easy to get sucked up into the petty little slings and arrows of life when you are in a long –term marriage. How do we shift our focus? One of the things I really like about the textbook we are using is its focus on finding the positive in our everyday life. It helps us see the big picture. I was really happy with an exercise that was included that was really helpful to me to focus on the wonderful things my husband has contributed to my life. I have seen lists that you are encouraged to complete about the things you love about your husband, but what made Dr. Gottman’s list different was it included different words to help you focus and explain what it was that made your spouse so special to you. For the most part, Randy and I share a pretty happy, easy-going relationship on a day to day basis, but counting your blessings in marriage is such a sweet exercise, I would encourage anyone to do it. This morning I was walking and this song came on my i-phone through my headphones and into my heart. This is the type of give and take relationship I hope and believe we are building. Sometimes my husband treats me so well that I don’t understand what it is he sees in me, but listening to this song made me realize that we are this for each other. So if you have a minute, click the link, enjoy and look for ways to build this kind of a relationship. Phillip Phillips "Gone Gone Gone," Dr. Gottman’s book: www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/

Friendship in Marriage A long time ago, before I got married, I had a strange conversation with a friend of mine who wanted to be a sex therapist for Mormons. (I’ve had some weird friends) We were talking about fantasies for our future and he didn’t think much of mine. I said I wanted to find someone who would still be interested in me when I am old. He didn’t think that was a very exciting fantasy, but it’s what I wanted and it’s what I still want. (Of course he is now divorced and I have been married for almost 29 years, but I digress…) When I think of the good marriages I have witnessed in my life, one thing stands out. They like to be together. They make time to spend together alone. They travel together, they play together, they go to the movies together and they miss each other when they’re apart. I think that pretty much sums up my relationship with Randy. He has always wanted to be with me and I have always wanted to be with him. My husband cares about me in a way I could not have dreamed of. When we were young and we had young children, he not only gave me time to go places on my own, without the children, but he made sure I did it. He didn’t “babysit” our kids, he is their father. He didn’t even ask for equal time (which I would gladly have given to him) or berate me for my time out of the house. He recognized that SAHMs often needed time to get away from their little creations so that they could find balance. I will be forever grateful for how attuned to my feelings he has been.

In the last 16 years we have had more freedom to travel together. I call my husband “The International Man of Mystery” because he has been to so many places and knows just how to travel. When we went to China together, he made sure that I was exactly prepared for what would happen, and I didn’t worry for a minute. He taught me how to be a good traveler and because of that I am confident to travel without him when I must. At home we are just happy to spend time together. You might think that our marriage is perfect, but it’s not. We have our little flare-ups now and again, but we always realize that under any disagreement, we are happier together than we would ever be apart. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s perfect for us. If you want to learn about having a marriage based on deep friendship, here is the link to a great book on marriage. https://smile.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1476140211&sr=8-1&keywords=john+gottman

60 years ago, on October 3, 1956, my parents were married. They were married civilly, in a nice little restaurant in Roy Utah, surrounded by their families and friends. Within the first year of their marriage they welcomed my brother, Doug, into the family. Later Dan, Philip and I also graced their life.

My dad told my mom that one day he would take her to the temple. There were many sacrifices that had to be made along the way. My mother stayed home with the children. She made sure he had clean socks and a drink for when he walked in the door. My dad worked hard and learned a lot about his job. For a while, he went on many trips for work which didn’t sit well with my mom. He took a different position that let him be home more with his family. They left their extended family in Utah and went to live the adventure in California. In California, my mother realized that she didn’t know anyone. She decided to go back to church. She really wanted my dad to come too, but it was hard for him to do. She prayed about it. She felt prompted by the Spirit to accept any calling. She was called to the Primary. One Sunday, while my father was home with me and my mother and brothers were at church, someone knocked on the door. It was visitors from a different church, asking my father if he wanted to come to their services. He said that he had better go with his wife. And he did. There was a lovely Nursery leader at church that took me in, even though I was too young for the nursery, so my Dad and the Bishop could have long talks on Sunday. My dad sacrificed. He gave up coffee. He gave up drinking. He gave up smoking. He wanted something better, and he was willing to sacrifice. It was not easy. It took a long time. In November of 1967, my father and mother were sealed in the Los Angeles temple for time and for eternity. This is a ceremony that is performed in Mormon temples that binds on earth and in heaven. Covenants are made between the couple and God that they will observe His commandments and abide in His covenants in order to take their marriage beyond death. I remember watching my mother come into the sealing room. She was as beautiful as a bride. Considering how small I was, (just over 4 years old) it was remarkable that I can even remember that, but I do. They served in the church. They taught their children to pray. They were happy.

My father passed away on February 1, 1969 on a boy scout outing. It was a hard, unhappy time for us. My mother was told that she was not meant to raise her children alone, but that was not the Lord speaking. She dated, but she sacrificed. She would not let someone into her life that would damage her children. She would not let someone in her life who wanted her to break her sealing covenants. She raised us, not alone, but with help from church leaders, family, and friends. It’s been almost 50 years since my father passed away, and my mother remains true to the covenants she made. In the Doctrine and Covenants, section 98:8-9 we read: “Verily I say unto you, all among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken, and their spirits contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice—yea, every sacrifice which I, the Lord, shall command—they are accepted of me. For I, the Lord, will cause them to bring forth as a very fruitful tree which is planted in a goodly land, by a pure stream, that yieldeth much precious fruit.” As she looks at her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I think she sees a very fruitful tree in a goodly land.