You Gotta Want It

Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something. I think marriage is hard because it is meant to be. Hollywood sells us a false image of falling in love and having everything turn out to be roses and chocolate, and yes, there are moments like that in marriage, but most of the time, it’s hard work. I love this meme:

I had a friend ask me what it means when I say that marriage is hard. She thought that a happy marriage meant that you are happy a lot of the time but then you have troubles, you deal with them and then you move on. When I told my husband this we laughed together. What does a happy marriage look and feel like? I think it's different for every couple. For us, there are times when we are more under stress and things get a little patchy. He might be a little short with me or I might be a little distant with him, and it usually has more to do with whatever we're going through at the moment. I got after him a while ago because he had overreacted to a bad meal that I had prepared. The circumstances of the meal don't really matter. I had to count to 10. There is a lot of that going on in any reasonable couple's married life I think. I told him plainly that i hadn't appreciated his comments and the way they were delivered, trying to remain calm. It was a "You know I love you but..." moment. He took it in, and then he admitted that he was feeling a little pressured from someone he was working with and said he might have taken it out on me a little. There was some forgiving and forgettting that had to happen, but that stuff happens in a long-term relationship where both spouses are trying to figure out how to deal with stress. I am an anxious person and sometimes that comes out as we drive in the car. Once I told him, "Can't you just drive there the way I want you to?" As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I realized what I had said and how I had said it. I apologized and we laughed over it, but this stuff happens all the time. Dr. John Gottman shares in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work,” that most of the time our arguments aren’t really about the argument itself. It’s about bids for our spouse’s attention. He said, “In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent. It’s telling that most of the arguments between couples in both groups were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for attention” (pg. 88). Could it be that asking each other what you want to eat is really a bid for connection? What a deep thought. Another thing that we need to realize about a covenant marriage is that it is not meant to be a Hollywood like fake experience for either party. I think it helps to go into a marriage understanding that each of us is imperfect, and that sometimes no one is “right.” The biggest gift we can give ourselves and our partner is the space to stop trying to be “right” and the idea that together we can figure out what is right. As H. Wallace Goddard said in his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” “As we turn from ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or difference in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity.” For Randy and me, turning towards each other comes in those little moments. When he sees me doing the dishes and he takes over. When I bring him lunch. When he tickles me as I walk past him. When we hear a song we like and our hands just naturally come together. When we smile together at a shared joke. Sometimes those moments are hard fought and won wars after we’ve had a petty disagreement or after one or the other of us has not felt heard or appreciated. Things are not always going to be perfect. We are each two imperfect beings. I don’t mean to paint a picture where everything is rosy. There have been plenty of tears, anger-filled moments, heartbreaks, repentance and forgiveness. But that’s what makes a long term covenant marriage glorious. It is recognizing that through our mutual commitment to each other we can reach out to the Savior and His Atonement to help us mend our fences and become the people we are meant to be. Brother Goddard mentions one of my favorite scriptures in his book: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). He says, “I would add, fret not, panic not.” President Howard W. Hunter said, “…whatever Jesus lays his hand upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” (“Reading the Scriptures,” Ensign, Nov. 1979 pg. 65) And after all, aren’t we looking for eternal life?