Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?

One of the things that you find in a long term committed marriage is many opportunities to repent and to forgive. Sometimes it seems as if you’re rolling around smoothly, enjoying the scenery of life with the one you love best and then they say or do something that just ….. doesn’t sit quite right. I think just about everyone I know is addicted to Right finding. What is right finding? It’s the attitude that I am right about something and you are wrong. It even happened to us last night. What should you do when you’re convinced that your right? What should you do if you’re proven wrong? H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, “Drawing on the Powers of Heaven tells us, “The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of “truth” and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do. This way of thinking is a pernicious enemy. It keeps each of us from connecting with others and from being taught by God. Satan laughs.” Just such a thing happened between my husband and I a little over a year ago. I won’t go into all the gory details. Let’s just say that we were having a conversation with someone else where we were both expressing differing opinions, and my dear ol’ hubby got snappish with me. Let me just state, for the record that I have an incredibly emotionally mature husband who respects me and who has always looked out for me. When our children were small, he looked for ways to get me out of the house, he never minded spending time with his children, and I always feel like he respects my opinion in family matters. I like to think I’m somewhat special too. However, we had this very uncomfortable car ride as I went into stonewalling mode and he seemed to just shrug it off and let me stew. And stew I did. I have always believed that when you have a problem with someone, you might just BE the problem, so I looked at myself first. I did a Book of Mormon study on humility. My question was how to be humble without being a complete doormat. I examined my feelings. I analyzed it for school assignments over and over. Part of me, I must admit, was waiting for him to be as unhappy about it as I was, which didn’t seem to be the case. Finally I had a class assignment that seemed perfect to resolve the conflict that I had in my soul. I was to plan an occasion to talk to my husband (or any family member with whom I had a disagreement) and have a rational, mature discussion to resolve the problem. I planned meticulously. I set us up to go to the temple together. We ate at one of our favorite restaurants. I pulled out my notebook and we began. What happened for us was startling to me. He knew that we were having communication problems, but he didn’t know how hurt I was. He was confused about the argument we had because he felt like he was trying to answer a question and I kept interrupting him in the exchange. I hadn’t taken into account what he was thinking or how he had interpreted the situation. What it really came down to had nothing to do with the argument itself, it was both or our tendency to talk over each other to prove our point. We both come from families that have … discussions (arguments) and he doesn’t really like anyone to argue with him, but he didn’t realize that I didn’t feel safe anymore with just voicing an opinion. So we compromised. He is working on listening to my opinions on topics we disagree with, and I am trying not to talk over him in disagreement. The thing in, most of our problems have nothing to do with right or wrong. Usually it’s a perception problem that we really face. And there is an element of competition when we disagree. President Ezra Taft Benson had a lot to say about pride in his often read and repeated talk, “Beware of Pride.” Here are some of his thoughts about pride: “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)” “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” “Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away.” “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. (See Alma 12:10–11.) The proud are not easily taught. (See 1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. (See Alma 7:23.) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. (See 3 Ne. 9:20; 3 Ne. 12:19; D&C 20:37; D&C 59:8; Ps. 34:18; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:2.)” In my own study on humility, I learned that it is not about keeping quiet and letting the other person always win. It’s quiet confidence in our opinions and the ability to let an issue go after we’ve had our say. It’s about caring so much about someone that we will be careful with their opinions and not dismiss them out of hand. Honestly, in this politically contentious season, it’s about admitting that there is more than one way to look at an issue, and that just because you disagree doesn’t mean you have to become enemies. One of my favorite scriptures is found in Mosiah 3:19. I am always working on the Natural “Jan.” “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” Unless. That is the word of power. Unless we choose to fight it, pride can overcome our divine nature. Unless. The choice is ours.