I Give to You and You Give to Me

One of the trickiest subjects about marriage to deal with is that one that is only three letters long. S-E-X. One of the articles we were asked to read, (you can read it here: http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/Stewardship.htm ) had a very good opening. Sean F. Brotherson told a very personal story about how, when he was about to get married, he and his bride had prepared themselves by talking about finances, future children, education plans, personality styles, but they hadn’t gone near the subject of sex. In the Latter-day Saint culture, there is some reticence about talking about this oh-so-important subject. I think back about my own sexual education before I got married, and I was probably more informed than some due to my voracious reading habit and my mother giving me the Stephen King book, “Carrie,” because she wanted me to know what it really meant to be picked on. I think I was about 13 at the time. I don’t know if she even realized that there was actually some valid information about sex in that book that I catalogued and remembered later in my life.

One of the things that Dr. Brotherson (who has a PhD in Family Studies) said he did when he realized that he had a bunch of questions about sexuality was to go study it out. Wait! Is that even okay??? This is what he said, “Luckily, I accepted as true the scriptural admonition that we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Even about sexual intimacy? Let me answer that question affirmatively. Of course. God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life. So, I started reading books and asking questions.” I wish I had learned out of the best books about this most important subject, but at least I knew something. I was prepared for part of it. The problem is that we are pounded with opinions of sex from the media, from our professors (I had to take the “Human Sexuality” course at my community college and while there was a lot of good information in that class, it did seem to focus and fixate on what was beyond the norm more than the norm.) from our families and from church. In some ways I consider myself very lucky. I had an experienced partner. He had been married before and he knew what he was doing. But did that and does that make the road to sexual fulfillment in marriage easy? I don’t know if it’s meant to be easy. In fact, I think that the struggle is part of the learning how to become one. Men and women often have different sex drives. Men and women think about sex differently. Men and women in marriage are often on different parts of the same page. One of the trickiest times is when you have little children that are literally sucking the life out of the mother while the father is standing by, hoping for a crumb of affection or two in between feedings and changings and sleepiness. The media gives us such mixed messages about sex. It’s everything, everywhere, all the time, yet it means nothing. They portray it as a natural bodily function. They portray it without consequences. They abuse us with images that are not real and relationships that are not real and I wonder how many people have been hurt by believing the big lie. For me, in my marriage, it is about love, concern and respect. I know that my husband has needs. He knows that I have needs. I try to turn to him as often as possible. I think about him. He can comfort me like no one else. He knows me very well and I know him. I think touching is important in marriage. I think looking at your spouse with heaven’s lighting also helps. I remember one of my friends once kind of disparaging my husband because he is bald. I pitied her, because in my eyes he is beautiful. He loves and accepts me every whit and he makes me feel beautiful. That is what a good relationship will do for you. I give to him, he gives to me, we laugh together, we love together, we plan little outings to celebrate being in love, even after 29 years. We got engaged to be married 29 years ago. I thrilled at his touch then, and I still do today. Because I choose to. Because I choose him. Because I choose him.

Fixer Upper

When we’re young, we have fantastic dreams of marriage. We imagine white picket fences, long romantic walks on the beach of our lives with the oceans of peace and love lapping gently and warmly across our feet. But let’s face the facts. Long walks on the beach are nice, but after a while they get boring. Life is not meant to be peaceful. Life to me is a riotous burst of color and noise, sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly, sometimes downright depressing, but sometimes filled with joy. In the recent LDS General Conference, President Russell M. Nelson gave a talk about joy. He said some interesting things in the talk, and I was drawn to it immediately. The thing you have to know about President Nelson is that most of the best material for his talks he puts in the notes. If you don’t read his notes, it’s like going to a Harry Potter movie when you haven’t read the book. You miss most of the fun and wonder of it. There I was, reading this talk in the Gospel Library App on my I-pad, which has this awesome feature where the notes are right next to the text, (it’s how I always read on the Gospel Apps, and you know when I’m involved because I am adding to the notes), when I read this statement and this surprising addition from the notes: “If we look to the world and follow its formulas for happiness,27 we will never know joy. (Note 27 reads: The world teaches that the purchase of things will bring joy. And if that doesn’t work, buy more! It also teaches that you can sin your way to joy. And if that doesn’t work, sin more! The promise is that at the end of every hedonistic rainbow is a pot of joy. Not true!). The unrighteous may experience any number of emotions and sensations, but they will never experience joy!28 (Note 28 reads: Not in this world or in the world to come.). Joy is a gift for the faithful.29 (Note 29 reads: Righteous Saints “who have endured the crosses of the world … shall inherit the kingdom of God, … and their joy shall be full forever” (2 Nephi 9:18).). It is the gift that comes from intentionally trying to live a righteous life, as taught by Jesus Christ.30 (Note 30 reads, “For examples, see 2 Nephi 27:30; Alma 27:16–18.). WAIT!!! What did 28 say? It says that the unrighteous do not feel joy here, nor will they in the world to come. WOW. Just WOW.

Think about that one more time. What does that mean? I admit, my mind was blown. What is joy, then? My favorite definition comes in 2 parts (from the merriam-webster.com dictionary). 1. A Feeling of great happiness; 3. Success in doing, finding, or getting something. I love the last part. Joy isn’t something that is always handed to us, it is something we have to do, find or get. So President Nelson tells us if we don’t find joy in this life, with its awful elections, its poverty, its divisions, its pettiness, we will never find it. In my marriage class, we’ve been reading two amazing books, “Drawing the Power of Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard and “The Seven Principles for Making Your Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman. We finished them for the most part this week and I give them a huge 5 star thumbs up. They were brilliant. The most brilliant thing they talked about, especially toward the end was that if you want to have a happy marriage the only one you can fix is you. You look for the good in your spouse and then you work on fixing yourself. Dr. Gottman says, “The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.” He counsels you to come to a place where you can forgive yourself, work on gratitude for your blessings, and express appreciation for your spouse. Dr. Goddard quotes Moroni 10:32 with a few additions: Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, [Only He can make us perfect!] and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; [especially the complaining and criticizing that is abundant in mortality] and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; [Perfect in Christ! He will carry us with His merits while we struggle to be better. What good news!] and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. [His greatest miracle is the work He does to redeem our souls!] (Moroni 10:32). I do know that having a gratitude for the little things and looking for them can change your life. It can change your marriage. It can change the way you face the world in the morning. It can change you. And in the end, that’s the only person you can change. Gottman, John; Silver, Nan. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 282). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition. Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Locations 3003-3006). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Recognizing Who We Are

Resolving Conflicts is not a topic I’m totally comfortable with. When Randy and I got married, we kind of had a no fighting pact. I hasn’t always been that way, and we do have fights from time to time but they are rare. Sure there are reoccurring problems in our marriage. We each have things that we wish each other would do differently. I would love it if he made the bed when he got out of it (he gets up after me) and he would love it if I would remember to lower my voice sometimes. We’ve had our rough patches, some of them pretty serious, but in the end, for me, when serious problems arise, I am always reminded of who he is and why we are together. When I was a kid, I had a very rough experience in a day-camp situation. I was physically and mentally abused there. Through therapy I have come to a place where I can think about it with peace, but recently I understood to another level why this was so traumatizing to me, and how I could even come to begin to forgive the counselor who instigated the abuse. As always, these difficult, soul wrenching questions have answers that are accumulative as I study my scriptures and the gospel. This week I was reading a beautiful talk about one of my favorite stories of Jesus. The talk is called, “One Among the Crowd,” given by Elder Dennis B. Neuenshwander of the Seventy in the April 2008 conference. He talks about the woman who was afflicted with the issue of blood, and how she came to Jesus to touch his robe to be healed. Jesus healed her, and in doing so made sure that the surrounding community understood that she was clean, and he helped her understand that her faith had made her whole. In this talk, Elder Neuenshwander reminds us that the Savior knows what it is like to be unrecognized in a disrespectful crowd. He quotes from Isaiah 53: “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief … ; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.” As I read that article, it came to me that I had been unrecognized for who I was, and thus I was treated so poorly by someone who should have been there to guide and protect me. I began to think about that counselor. She was a Navajo woman who had participated in the LDS Indian Placement program, where she was taken away from her home and her people to be educated in the white man’s world. I don’t know what her individual circumstances were, but I had a friend who was part of that program and I know it wasn’t easy for them. Often they were put in families that didn’t appreciate them, that could be hostile or cruel. I realized that she also is a child of God, and that to forgive her, I have to recognize that. I made a big step to forgiving her and healing this old wound this week, and as I contemplated it, I realized that this was something I have done in my marriage. There have been times when my vision might have become clouded by whatever problem was tearing at my marriage, but I realize that most of the time, when the going gets tough, I remember Randy. I remember what a good man he is. How he is a wonderful father. I love to be with him. We have so much fun together. He comforts me and knows just how to do it. He is my match in every way. We’re both getting old and gray. Neither one of us is a Hollywood version of the perfect man or woman. Randy has lost most of his hair, except on his back, and I have struggled with my weight for years. But what makes us special is that we know who we are, and we recognize it when the going gets tough.

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?

One of the things that you find in a long term committed marriage is many opportunities to repent and to forgive. Sometimes it seems as if you’re rolling around smoothly, enjoying the scenery of life with the one you love best and then they say or do something that just ….. doesn’t sit quite right. I think just about everyone I know is addicted to Right finding. What is right finding? It’s the attitude that I am right about something and you are wrong. It even happened to us last night. What should you do when you’re convinced that your right? What should you do if you’re proven wrong? H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, “Drawing on the Powers of Heaven tells us, “The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of “truth” and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do. This way of thinking is a pernicious enemy. It keeps each of us from connecting with others and from being taught by God. Satan laughs.” Just such a thing happened between my husband and I a little over a year ago. I won’t go into all the gory details. Let’s just say that we were having a conversation with someone else where we were both expressing differing opinions, and my dear ol’ hubby got snappish with me. Let me just state, for the record that I have an incredibly emotionally mature husband who respects me and who has always looked out for me. When our children were small, he looked for ways to get me out of the house, he never minded spending time with his children, and I always feel like he respects my opinion in family matters. I like to think I’m somewhat special too. However, we had this very uncomfortable car ride as I went into stonewalling mode and he seemed to just shrug it off and let me stew. And stew I did. I have always believed that when you have a problem with someone, you might just BE the problem, so I looked at myself first. I did a Book of Mormon study on humility. My question was how to be humble without being a complete doormat. I examined my feelings. I analyzed it for school assignments over and over. Part of me, I must admit, was waiting for him to be as unhappy about it as I was, which didn’t seem to be the case. Finally I had a class assignment that seemed perfect to resolve the conflict that I had in my soul. I was to plan an occasion to talk to my husband (or any family member with whom I had a disagreement) and have a rational, mature discussion to resolve the problem. I planned meticulously. I set us up to go to the temple together. We ate at one of our favorite restaurants. I pulled out my notebook and we began. What happened for us was startling to me. He knew that we were having communication problems, but he didn’t know how hurt I was. He was confused about the argument we had because he felt like he was trying to answer a question and I kept interrupting him in the exchange. I hadn’t taken into account what he was thinking or how he had interpreted the situation. What it really came down to had nothing to do with the argument itself, it was both or our tendency to talk over each other to prove our point. We both come from families that have … discussions (arguments) and he doesn’t really like anyone to argue with him, but he didn’t realize that I didn’t feel safe anymore with just voicing an opinion. So we compromised. He is working on listening to my opinions on topics we disagree with, and I am trying not to talk over him in disagreement. The thing in, most of our problems have nothing to do with right or wrong. Usually it’s a perception problem that we really face. And there is an element of competition when we disagree. President Ezra Taft Benson had a lot to say about pride in his often read and repeated talk, “Beware of Pride.” Here are some of his thoughts about pride: “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)” “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” “Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away.” “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. (See Alma 12:10–11.) The proud are not easily taught. (See 1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. (See Alma 7:23.) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. (See 3 Ne. 9:20; 3 Ne. 12:19; D&C 20:37; D&C 59:8; Ps. 34:18; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:2.)” In my own study on humility, I learned that it is not about keeping quiet and letting the other person always win. It’s quiet confidence in our opinions and the ability to let an issue go after we’ve had our say. It’s about caring so much about someone that we will be careful with their opinions and not dismiss them out of hand. Honestly, in this politically contentious season, it’s about admitting that there is more than one way to look at an issue, and that just because you disagree doesn’t mean you have to become enemies. One of my favorite scriptures is found in Mosiah 3:19. I am always working on the Natural “Jan.” “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” Unless. That is the word of power. Unless we choose to fight it, pride can overcome our divine nature. Unless. The choice is ours.