I Give to You and You Give to Me

One of the trickiest subjects about marriage to deal with is that one that is only three letters long. S-E-X. One of the articles we were asked to read, (you can read it here: http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/Stewardship.htm ) had a very good opening. Sean F. Brotherson told a very personal story about how, when he was about to get married, he and his bride had prepared themselves by talking about finances, future children, education plans, personality styles, but they hadn’t gone near the subject of sex. In the Latter-day Saint culture, there is some reticence about talking about this oh-so-important subject. I think back about my own sexual education before I got married, and I was probably more informed than some due to my voracious reading habit and my mother giving me the Stephen King book, “Carrie,” because she wanted me to know what it really meant to be picked on. I think I was about 13 at the time. I don’t know if she even realized that there was actually some valid information about sex in that book that I catalogued and remembered later in my life.

One of the things that Dr. Brotherson (who has a PhD in Family Studies) said he did when he realized that he had a bunch of questions about sexuality was to go study it out. Wait! Is that even okay??? This is what he said, “Luckily, I accepted as true the scriptural admonition that we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Even about sexual intimacy? Let me answer that question affirmatively. Of course. God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life. So, I started reading books and asking questions.” I wish I had learned out of the best books about this most important subject, but at least I knew something. I was prepared for part of it. The problem is that we are pounded with opinions of sex from the media, from our professors (I had to take the “Human Sexuality” course at my community college and while there was a lot of good information in that class, it did seem to focus and fixate on what was beyond the norm more than the norm.) from our families and from church. In some ways I consider myself very lucky. I had an experienced partner. He had been married before and he knew what he was doing. But did that and does that make the road to sexual fulfillment in marriage easy? I don’t know if it’s meant to be easy. In fact, I think that the struggle is part of the learning how to become one. Men and women often have different sex drives. Men and women think about sex differently. Men and women in marriage are often on different parts of the same page. One of the trickiest times is when you have little children that are literally sucking the life out of the mother while the father is standing by, hoping for a crumb of affection or two in between feedings and changings and sleepiness. The media gives us such mixed messages about sex. It’s everything, everywhere, all the time, yet it means nothing. They portray it as a natural bodily function. They portray it without consequences. They abuse us with images that are not real and relationships that are not real and I wonder how many people have been hurt by believing the big lie. For me, in my marriage, it is about love, concern and respect. I know that my husband has needs. He knows that I have needs. I try to turn to him as often as possible. I think about him. He can comfort me like no one else. He knows me very well and I know him. I think touching is important in marriage. I think looking at your spouse with heaven’s lighting also helps. I remember one of my friends once kind of disparaging my husband because he is bald. I pitied her, because in my eyes he is beautiful. He loves and accepts me every whit and he makes me feel beautiful. That is what a good relationship will do for you. I give to him, he gives to me, we laugh together, we love together, we plan little outings to celebrate being in love, even after 29 years. We got engaged to be married 29 years ago. I thrilled at his touch then, and I still do today. Because I choose to. Because I choose him. Because I choose him.