Fixer Upper

When we’re young, we have fantastic dreams of marriage. We imagine white picket fences, long romantic walks on the beach of our lives with the oceans of peace and love lapping gently and warmly across our feet. But let’s face the facts. Long walks on the beach are nice, but after a while they get boring. Life is not meant to be peaceful. Life to me is a riotous burst of color and noise, sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly, sometimes downright depressing, but sometimes filled with joy. In the recent LDS General Conference, President Russell M. Nelson gave a talk about joy. He said some interesting things in the talk, and I was drawn to it immediately. The thing you have to know about President Nelson is that most of the best material for his talks he puts in the notes. If you don’t read his notes, it’s like going to a Harry Potter movie when you haven’t read the book. You miss most of the fun and wonder of it. There I was, reading this talk in the Gospel Library App on my I-pad, which has this awesome feature where the notes are right next to the text, (it’s how I always read on the Gospel Apps, and you know when I’m involved because I am adding to the notes), when I read this statement and this surprising addition from the notes: “If we look to the world and follow its formulas for happiness,27 we will never know joy. (Note 27 reads: The world teaches that the purchase of things will bring joy. And if that doesn’t work, buy more! It also teaches that you can sin your way to joy. And if that doesn’t work, sin more! The promise is that at the end of every hedonistic rainbow is a pot of joy. Not true!). The unrighteous may experience any number of emotions and sensations, but they will never experience joy!28 (Note 28 reads: Not in this world or in the world to come.). Joy is a gift for the faithful.29 (Note 29 reads: Righteous Saints “who have endured the crosses of the world … shall inherit the kingdom of God, … and their joy shall be full forever” (2 Nephi 9:18).). It is the gift that comes from intentionally trying to live a righteous life, as taught by Jesus Christ.30 (Note 30 reads, “For examples, see 2 Nephi 27:30; Alma 27:16–18.). WAIT!!! What did 28 say? It says that the unrighteous do not feel joy here, nor will they in the world to come. WOW. Just WOW.

Think about that one more time. What does that mean? I admit, my mind was blown. What is joy, then? My favorite definition comes in 2 parts (from the merriam-webster.com dictionary). 1. A Feeling of great happiness; 3. Success in doing, finding, or getting something. I love the last part. Joy isn’t something that is always handed to us, it is something we have to do, find or get. So President Nelson tells us if we don’t find joy in this life, with its awful elections, its poverty, its divisions, its pettiness, we will never find it. In my marriage class, we’ve been reading two amazing books, “Drawing the Power of Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard and “The Seven Principles for Making Your Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman. We finished them for the most part this week and I give them a huge 5 star thumbs up. They were brilliant. The most brilliant thing they talked about, especially toward the end was that if you want to have a happy marriage the only one you can fix is you. You look for the good in your spouse and then you work on fixing yourself. Dr. Gottman says, “The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.” He counsels you to come to a place where you can forgive yourself, work on gratitude for your blessings, and express appreciation for your spouse. Dr. Goddard quotes Moroni 10:32 with a few additions: Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, [Only He can make us perfect!] and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; [especially the complaining and criticizing that is abundant in mortality] and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; [Perfect in Christ! He will carry us with His merits while we struggle to be better. What good news!] and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. [His greatest miracle is the work He does to redeem our souls!] (Moroni 10:32). I do know that having a gratitude for the little things and looking for them can change your life. It can change your marriage. It can change the way you face the world in the morning. It can change you. And in the end, that’s the only person you can change. Gottman, John; Silver, Nan. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 282). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition. Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Locations 3003-3006). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.