Transitions

My husband and I are facing transitions coming up in our relationship. For 28 (almost 29) years we have seen ourselves as parents of a large family, but they are about to be launched and sometime in the next 5 years we might be back down to the two of us. To be fair, it has never been just the two of us; my step-son was 4 when we got married so I got the instant family that I had not planned on when I was a girl. Now, with the youngest of 6 about to turn 17 and looking forward to her graduation in a year and a half, we have to find ourselves in a totally different situation than we’re used to. Change can be scary. Will we like the people our children marry? Will they be able to have children? Will they be able to afford children? What will their expectations be for us? Will their in-laws want to change our traditions because they don’t fit in with ours? These and many more questions plague me. Even more serious are questions like: Have I raised them right? Do they get what we were trying to instill in them? Will they stay faithful to the church? Will they stay faithful to each other? Did we do enough? Did we do too much? Some of the answers will just have to wait for their launchings. Change can be different. I like to kid about the kind of food we will eat when we don’t have picky children to feed. I talk about shopping at the healthier and sometimes more expensive stores when they’re gone. I wonder about how we will decide what we want to eat when it’s just the hubby and I. We mostly agree, but we have a hard time sometimes even just picking a restaurant. And then there’s the thought of chores. We will not be able to blame any messes on the children that don’t live here unless, like the grandchildren we already have, they are here a lot and the messes remain. Still questions persist. Will I be lonely without my children around me? Will I feel free? Change can be good. I now share my craft room with the son that I thought would be gone on a mission at this time. He didn’t go. Now he sleeps here and I wait for him to wake up so I can study and work. The hubby and I have discussed big plans for this extra master that I use as my “craft room” (read “crap room” and about how we will get rid of the big bed we’ve kept here for visitors (one of the reasons why this son like sleeping here) and we will get a pull out couch and make this room better. We are also in the process of remodeling one step at a time. We’ve just finished new sheds and are looking to do the kitchen in the next couple of years. We have big plans of what to do with the master bedroom, which includes the idea of knocking down the wall between our room and our daughter’s room when she no longer lives there. Will we be haunted by her childish laughter? Will we look for the boys around corners? Will I ever feel comfortable coming into this room early in the morning instead of waiting for the sleeping boy to emerge? One thing I know. Even if we change our minds about staying here and fixing everything up, even if we end up going back to Utah because all the kids have left the state of Arizona, even if nothing turns out like we plan, one thing we have. For me home is where my hubby is. And I think home for him is where I am as well. He is the love of my life. One of the readings for the marriage class this week talked about how the person you’re married to when you hit 65 is not the same person you married in your twenties. It’s like a renewal every year you are together, with the pain, and the growth and the changes; if you’re lucky and careful, you will choose that person again and again. Forever.

If Ye Are Not One

When I was young I did a lot of babysitting. A LOT. I was in and out of many different types of homes with many different types of children. I think one of the best lessons I learned from this experience came from my step-uncle and his wife. They ended up having 8 kids, I think, but I babysat for them when they had 6. They were busy, active, and sometimes rebellious. On one occasion, their parents said that the oldest boys could go to a friend’s house up the street from them. They gave me instructions on when they should come home and left for their outing. Those rotten boys decided to stay way past their time. I was kind of in a bind, stuck home with a smaller baby and the younger kids who I could not leave. When the boys did finally come home, they had taken off their shoes and socks and filled their socks with mud. Noisily and rebelliously, they entered the house and I told them to go straight to the bathroom and have a bath (they were filthy, as you can imagine.) They wanted to play and splash each other and they got mud everywhere. I was doing the best I could to get them to clean up themselves and the bathroom when their parents returned. I was terrified that I would be blamed and I felt like a complete failure that night. However, my step-uncle and his wife were kindly understanding of my predicament. They came in and took charge. What struck me was the way they handled their wayward boys. They were calm and direct. They didn’t speak over each other. It was like they had predetermined what they would do and they didn’t have to think about it. The situation was handled perfectly, the boys were told they were no longer able to go play with the neighbors when they were being babysat, and they paid me and took me home. I determined then and there I wanted that kind of relationship. Fast forward to our life today. I have learned many life lessons since I was a young babysitter, but I still strive with my husband to have a unified front to the world. Sometimes this is easier said than done. We had one experience that really taught us, at least in a situation with our children, how such unity is accomplished. We had a wayward teenaged daughter who was very difficult to manage. She was angry all the time. She would tell people outrageous stories and lies. When we would confront her with them, she would just get angrier and more rebellious. The more we argued, the less we could deal with the situation. At the time, she was doing some therapy with a counselor, and the counselor would call me in periodically to talk about her and the situation. On one such occasion, she asked how things were going at home. I explained how rough it was, and she gave me so great advice. She said that when my husband and I got angry with her and argued with her, it wasn’t working, which was obvious. She counseled me to talk to my husband and take a step back from the situation when we discovered another mistake that our daughter was making. She said we should pray about it, and that we were not to confront her until the Spirit told us what to do. This totally turned things around and helped us until the time when we discovered the cause of our daughter’s behavior. I think my uncle and aunt must have worked out ahead of time, that when their rowdy, unruly kids got in trouble, they would not argue with them or cause contention. They were a united front. In marriages, there is often a power struggle. Sometimes you want your spouse to do things your way; sometimes they want you to see their side. I think that in an egalitarian relationship, where spouses are equal partners, you need to have the Spirit always by your side to show you how to be united. When you seek the Lord’s will, you will be more concerned with what’s right rather than who’s right. This is the model for all relationships. Elder M. Russell Ballard has a book that talks in detail about how to achieve this in your ward responsibilities, in your family, and in your marriage. It is called, “Counseling in Your Councils.” I highly recommend it.

I Give to You and You Give to Me

One of the trickiest subjects about marriage to deal with is that one that is only three letters long. S-E-X. One of the articles we were asked to read, (you can read it here: http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/Stewardship.htm ) had a very good opening. Sean F. Brotherson told a very personal story about how, when he was about to get married, he and his bride had prepared themselves by talking about finances, future children, education plans, personality styles, but they hadn’t gone near the subject of sex. In the Latter-day Saint culture, there is some reticence about talking about this oh-so-important subject. I think back about my own sexual education before I got married, and I was probably more informed than some due to my voracious reading habit and my mother giving me the Stephen King book, “Carrie,” because she wanted me to know what it really meant to be picked on. I think I was about 13 at the time. I don’t know if she even realized that there was actually some valid information about sex in that book that I catalogued and remembered later in my life.

One of the things that Dr. Brotherson (who has a PhD in Family Studies) said he did when he realized that he had a bunch of questions about sexuality was to go study it out. Wait! Is that even okay??? This is what he said, “Luckily, I accepted as true the scriptural admonition that we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Even about sexual intimacy? Let me answer that question affirmatively. Of course. God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life. So, I started reading books and asking questions.” I wish I had learned out of the best books about this most important subject, but at least I knew something. I was prepared for part of it. The problem is that we are pounded with opinions of sex from the media, from our professors (I had to take the “Human Sexuality” course at my community college and while there was a lot of good information in that class, it did seem to focus and fixate on what was beyond the norm more than the norm.) from our families and from church. In some ways I consider myself very lucky. I had an experienced partner. He had been married before and he knew what he was doing. But did that and does that make the road to sexual fulfillment in marriage easy? I don’t know if it’s meant to be easy. In fact, I think that the struggle is part of the learning how to become one. Men and women often have different sex drives. Men and women think about sex differently. Men and women in marriage are often on different parts of the same page. One of the trickiest times is when you have little children that are literally sucking the life out of the mother while the father is standing by, hoping for a crumb of affection or two in between feedings and changings and sleepiness. The media gives us such mixed messages about sex. It’s everything, everywhere, all the time, yet it means nothing. They portray it as a natural bodily function. They portray it without consequences. They abuse us with images that are not real and relationships that are not real and I wonder how many people have been hurt by believing the big lie. For me, in my marriage, it is about love, concern and respect. I know that my husband has needs. He knows that I have needs. I try to turn to him as often as possible. I think about him. He can comfort me like no one else. He knows me very well and I know him. I think touching is important in marriage. I think looking at your spouse with heaven’s lighting also helps. I remember one of my friends once kind of disparaging my husband because he is bald. I pitied her, because in my eyes he is beautiful. He loves and accepts me every whit and he makes me feel beautiful. That is what a good relationship will do for you. I give to him, he gives to me, we laugh together, we love together, we plan little outings to celebrate being in love, even after 29 years. We got engaged to be married 29 years ago. I thrilled at his touch then, and I still do today. Because I choose to. Because I choose him. Because I choose him.

Fixer Upper

When we’re young, we have fantastic dreams of marriage. We imagine white picket fences, long romantic walks on the beach of our lives with the oceans of peace and love lapping gently and warmly across our feet. But let’s face the facts. Long walks on the beach are nice, but after a while they get boring. Life is not meant to be peaceful. Life to me is a riotous burst of color and noise, sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly, sometimes downright depressing, but sometimes filled with joy. In the recent LDS General Conference, President Russell M. Nelson gave a talk about joy. He said some interesting things in the talk, and I was drawn to it immediately. The thing you have to know about President Nelson is that most of the best material for his talks he puts in the notes. If you don’t read his notes, it’s like going to a Harry Potter movie when you haven’t read the book. You miss most of the fun and wonder of it. There I was, reading this talk in the Gospel Library App on my I-pad, which has this awesome feature where the notes are right next to the text, (it’s how I always read on the Gospel Apps, and you know when I’m involved because I am adding to the notes), when I read this statement and this surprising addition from the notes: “If we look to the world and follow its formulas for happiness,27 we will never know joy. (Note 27 reads: The world teaches that the purchase of things will bring joy. And if that doesn’t work, buy more! It also teaches that you can sin your way to joy. And if that doesn’t work, sin more! The promise is that at the end of every hedonistic rainbow is a pot of joy. Not true!). The unrighteous may experience any number of emotions and sensations, but they will never experience joy!28 (Note 28 reads: Not in this world or in the world to come.). Joy is a gift for the faithful.29 (Note 29 reads: Righteous Saints “who have endured the crosses of the world … shall inherit the kingdom of God, … and their joy shall be full forever” (2 Nephi 9:18).). It is the gift that comes from intentionally trying to live a righteous life, as taught by Jesus Christ.30 (Note 30 reads, “For examples, see 2 Nephi 27:30; Alma 27:16–18.). WAIT!!! What did 28 say? It says that the unrighteous do not feel joy here, nor will they in the world to come. WOW. Just WOW.

Think about that one more time. What does that mean? I admit, my mind was blown. What is joy, then? My favorite definition comes in 2 parts (from the merriam-webster.com dictionary). 1. A Feeling of great happiness; 3. Success in doing, finding, or getting something. I love the last part. Joy isn’t something that is always handed to us, it is something we have to do, find or get. So President Nelson tells us if we don’t find joy in this life, with its awful elections, its poverty, its divisions, its pettiness, we will never find it. In my marriage class, we’ve been reading two amazing books, “Drawing the Power of Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard and “The Seven Principles for Making Your Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman. We finished them for the most part this week and I give them a huge 5 star thumbs up. They were brilliant. The most brilliant thing they talked about, especially toward the end was that if you want to have a happy marriage the only one you can fix is you. You look for the good in your spouse and then you work on fixing yourself. Dr. Gottman says, “The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.” He counsels you to come to a place where you can forgive yourself, work on gratitude for your blessings, and express appreciation for your spouse. Dr. Goddard quotes Moroni 10:32 with a few additions: Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, [Only He can make us perfect!] and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; [especially the complaining and criticizing that is abundant in mortality] and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; [Perfect in Christ! He will carry us with His merits while we struggle to be better. What good news!] and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. [His greatest miracle is the work He does to redeem our souls!] (Moroni 10:32). I do know that having a gratitude for the little things and looking for them can change your life. It can change your marriage. It can change the way you face the world in the morning. It can change you. And in the end, that’s the only person you can change. Gottman, John; Silver, Nan. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 282). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition. Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Locations 3003-3006). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Recognizing Who We Are

Resolving Conflicts is not a topic I’m totally comfortable with. When Randy and I got married, we kind of had a no fighting pact. I hasn’t always been that way, and we do have fights from time to time but they are rare. Sure there are reoccurring problems in our marriage. We each have things that we wish each other would do differently. I would love it if he made the bed when he got out of it (he gets up after me) and he would love it if I would remember to lower my voice sometimes. We’ve had our rough patches, some of them pretty serious, but in the end, for me, when serious problems arise, I am always reminded of who he is and why we are together. When I was a kid, I had a very rough experience in a day-camp situation. I was physically and mentally abused there. Through therapy I have come to a place where I can think about it with peace, but recently I understood to another level why this was so traumatizing to me, and how I could even come to begin to forgive the counselor who instigated the abuse. As always, these difficult, soul wrenching questions have answers that are accumulative as I study my scriptures and the gospel. This week I was reading a beautiful talk about one of my favorite stories of Jesus. The talk is called, “One Among the Crowd,” given by Elder Dennis B. Neuenshwander of the Seventy in the April 2008 conference. He talks about the woman who was afflicted with the issue of blood, and how she came to Jesus to touch his robe to be healed. Jesus healed her, and in doing so made sure that the surrounding community understood that she was clean, and he helped her understand that her faith had made her whole. In this talk, Elder Neuenshwander reminds us that the Savior knows what it is like to be unrecognized in a disrespectful crowd. He quotes from Isaiah 53: “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief … ; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.” As I read that article, it came to me that I had been unrecognized for who I was, and thus I was treated so poorly by someone who should have been there to guide and protect me. I began to think about that counselor. She was a Navajo woman who had participated in the LDS Indian Placement program, where she was taken away from her home and her people to be educated in the white man’s world. I don’t know what her individual circumstances were, but I had a friend who was part of that program and I know it wasn’t easy for them. Often they were put in families that didn’t appreciate them, that could be hostile or cruel. I realized that she also is a child of God, and that to forgive her, I have to recognize that. I made a big step to forgiving her and healing this old wound this week, and as I contemplated it, I realized that this was something I have done in my marriage. There have been times when my vision might have become clouded by whatever problem was tearing at my marriage, but I realize that most of the time, when the going gets tough, I remember Randy. I remember what a good man he is. How he is a wonderful father. I love to be with him. We have so much fun together. He comforts me and knows just how to do it. He is my match in every way. We’re both getting old and gray. Neither one of us is a Hollywood version of the perfect man or woman. Randy has lost most of his hair, except on his back, and I have struggled with my weight for years. But what makes us special is that we know who we are, and we recognize it when the going gets tough.

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?

One of the things that you find in a long term committed marriage is many opportunities to repent and to forgive. Sometimes it seems as if you’re rolling around smoothly, enjoying the scenery of life with the one you love best and then they say or do something that just ….. doesn’t sit quite right. I think just about everyone I know is addicted to Right finding. What is right finding? It’s the attitude that I am right about something and you are wrong. It even happened to us last night. What should you do when you’re convinced that your right? What should you do if you’re proven wrong? H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, “Drawing on the Powers of Heaven tells us, “The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of “truth” and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do. This way of thinking is a pernicious enemy. It keeps each of us from connecting with others and from being taught by God. Satan laughs.” Just such a thing happened between my husband and I a little over a year ago. I won’t go into all the gory details. Let’s just say that we were having a conversation with someone else where we were both expressing differing opinions, and my dear ol’ hubby got snappish with me. Let me just state, for the record that I have an incredibly emotionally mature husband who respects me and who has always looked out for me. When our children were small, he looked for ways to get me out of the house, he never minded spending time with his children, and I always feel like he respects my opinion in family matters. I like to think I’m somewhat special too. However, we had this very uncomfortable car ride as I went into stonewalling mode and he seemed to just shrug it off and let me stew. And stew I did. I have always believed that when you have a problem with someone, you might just BE the problem, so I looked at myself first. I did a Book of Mormon study on humility. My question was how to be humble without being a complete doormat. I examined my feelings. I analyzed it for school assignments over and over. Part of me, I must admit, was waiting for him to be as unhappy about it as I was, which didn’t seem to be the case. Finally I had a class assignment that seemed perfect to resolve the conflict that I had in my soul. I was to plan an occasion to talk to my husband (or any family member with whom I had a disagreement) and have a rational, mature discussion to resolve the problem. I planned meticulously. I set us up to go to the temple together. We ate at one of our favorite restaurants. I pulled out my notebook and we began. What happened for us was startling to me. He knew that we were having communication problems, but he didn’t know how hurt I was. He was confused about the argument we had because he felt like he was trying to answer a question and I kept interrupting him in the exchange. I hadn’t taken into account what he was thinking or how he had interpreted the situation. What it really came down to had nothing to do with the argument itself, it was both or our tendency to talk over each other to prove our point. We both come from families that have … discussions (arguments) and he doesn’t really like anyone to argue with him, but he didn’t realize that I didn’t feel safe anymore with just voicing an opinion. So we compromised. He is working on listening to my opinions on topics we disagree with, and I am trying not to talk over him in disagreement. The thing in, most of our problems have nothing to do with right or wrong. Usually it’s a perception problem that we really face. And there is an element of competition when we disagree. President Ezra Taft Benson had a lot to say about pride in his often read and repeated talk, “Beware of Pride.” Here are some of his thoughts about pride: “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)” “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” “Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away.” “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. (See Alma 12:10–11.) The proud are not easily taught. (See 1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. (See Alma 7:23.) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. (See 3 Ne. 9:20; 3 Ne. 12:19; D&C 20:37; D&C 59:8; Ps. 34:18; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:2.)” In my own study on humility, I learned that it is not about keeping quiet and letting the other person always win. It’s quiet confidence in our opinions and the ability to let an issue go after we’ve had our say. It’s about caring so much about someone that we will be careful with their opinions and not dismiss them out of hand. Honestly, in this politically contentious season, it’s about admitting that there is more than one way to look at an issue, and that just because you disagree doesn’t mean you have to become enemies. One of my favorite scriptures is found in Mosiah 3:19. I am always working on the Natural “Jan.” “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” Unless. That is the word of power. Unless we choose to fight it, pride can overcome our divine nature. Unless. The choice is ours.

You Gotta Want It

Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something. I think marriage is hard because it is meant to be. Hollywood sells us a false image of falling in love and having everything turn out to be roses and chocolate, and yes, there are moments like that in marriage, but most of the time, it’s hard work. I love this meme:

I had a friend ask me what it means when I say that marriage is hard. She thought that a happy marriage meant that you are happy a lot of the time but then you have troubles, you deal with them and then you move on. When I told my husband this we laughed together. What does a happy marriage look and feel like? I think it's different for every couple. For us, there are times when we are more under stress and things get a little patchy. He might be a little short with me or I might be a little distant with him, and it usually has more to do with whatever we're going through at the moment. I got after him a while ago because he had overreacted to a bad meal that I had prepared. The circumstances of the meal don't really matter. I had to count to 10. There is a lot of that going on in any reasonable couple's married life I think. I told him plainly that i hadn't appreciated his comments and the way they were delivered, trying to remain calm. It was a "You know I love you but..." moment. He took it in, and then he admitted that he was feeling a little pressured from someone he was working with and said he might have taken it out on me a little. There was some forgiving and forgettting that had to happen, but that stuff happens in a long-term relationship where both spouses are trying to figure out how to deal with stress. I am an anxious person and sometimes that comes out as we drive in the car. Once I told him, "Can't you just drive there the way I want you to?" As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I realized what I had said and how I had said it. I apologized and we laughed over it, but this stuff happens all the time. Dr. John Gottman shares in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work,” that most of the time our arguments aren’t really about the argument itself. It’s about bids for our spouse’s attention. He said, “In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent. It’s telling that most of the arguments between couples in both groups were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for attention” (pg. 88). Could it be that asking each other what you want to eat is really a bid for connection? What a deep thought. Another thing that we need to realize about a covenant marriage is that it is not meant to be a Hollywood like fake experience for either party. I think it helps to go into a marriage understanding that each of us is imperfect, and that sometimes no one is “right.” The biggest gift we can give ourselves and our partner is the space to stop trying to be “right” and the idea that together we can figure out what is right. As H. Wallace Goddard said in his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” “As we turn from ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or difference in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity.” For Randy and me, turning towards each other comes in those little moments. When he sees me doing the dishes and he takes over. When I bring him lunch. When he tickles me as I walk past him. When we hear a song we like and our hands just naturally come together. When we smile together at a shared joke. Sometimes those moments are hard fought and won wars after we’ve had a petty disagreement or after one or the other of us has not felt heard or appreciated. Things are not always going to be perfect. We are each two imperfect beings. I don’t mean to paint a picture where everything is rosy. There have been plenty of tears, anger-filled moments, heartbreaks, repentance and forgiveness. But that’s what makes a long term covenant marriage glorious. It is recognizing that through our mutual commitment to each other we can reach out to the Savior and His Atonement to help us mend our fences and become the people we are meant to be. Brother Goddard mentions one of my favorite scriptures in his book: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). He says, “I would add, fret not, panic not.” President Howard W. Hunter said, “…whatever Jesus lays his hand upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” (“Reading the Scriptures,” Ensign, Nov. 1979 pg. 65) And after all, aren’t we looking for eternal life?

Attitude is Everything About three years ago, my husband was very unhappy with his job. He had worked for his company for a long time, and he felt like he wasn’t appreciated and that there was no room for growth. Fast-forward a year from that, he was in a new job with a new company that required a lot of travel. He was getting a little frustrated with it, and he had heard others in the company complain about it as well. He was shadowing another employee when he spoke of his grievances and concerns. His fellow employee had a totally different opinion of being a contractor. He felt like it liberated him from company politics and he was able to focus more on his job than on interoffice rivalries or other distractions. My husband pondered this and realized that he had been sucked into the negative attitudes that were around him. When he started looking for them, he could find benefits from his job all over the place. I think marriage can be like that. When we are so focused and distracted by petty little annoyances, they can seem magnified in our eyes. They make us lose focus on what’s important. The cloud the big picture. It is easy to get sucked up into the petty little slings and arrows of life when you are in a long –term marriage. How do we shift our focus? One of the things I really like about the textbook we are using is its focus on finding the positive in our everyday life. It helps us see the big picture. I was really happy with an exercise that was included that was really helpful to me to focus on the wonderful things my husband has contributed to my life. I have seen lists that you are encouraged to complete about the things you love about your husband, but what made Dr. Gottman’s list different was it included different words to help you focus and explain what it was that made your spouse so special to you. For the most part, Randy and I share a pretty happy, easy-going relationship on a day to day basis, but counting your blessings in marriage is such a sweet exercise, I would encourage anyone to do it. This morning I was walking and this song came on my i-phone through my headphones and into my heart. This is the type of give and take relationship I hope and believe we are building. Sometimes my husband treats me so well that I don’t understand what it is he sees in me, but listening to this song made me realize that we are this for each other. So if you have a minute, click the link, enjoy and look for ways to build this kind of a relationship. Phillip Phillips "Gone Gone Gone," Dr. Gottman’s book: www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/

Friendship in Marriage A long time ago, before I got married, I had a strange conversation with a friend of mine who wanted to be a sex therapist for Mormons. (I’ve had some weird friends) We were talking about fantasies for our future and he didn’t think much of mine. I said I wanted to find someone who would still be interested in me when I am old. He didn’t think that was a very exciting fantasy, but it’s what I wanted and it’s what I still want. (Of course he is now divorced and I have been married for almost 29 years, but I digress…) When I think of the good marriages I have witnessed in my life, one thing stands out. They like to be together. They make time to spend together alone. They travel together, they play together, they go to the movies together and they miss each other when they’re apart. I think that pretty much sums up my relationship with Randy. He has always wanted to be with me and I have always wanted to be with him. My husband cares about me in a way I could not have dreamed of. When we were young and we had young children, he not only gave me time to go places on my own, without the children, but he made sure I did it. He didn’t “babysit” our kids, he is their father. He didn’t even ask for equal time (which I would gladly have given to him) or berate me for my time out of the house. He recognized that SAHMs often needed time to get away from their little creations so that they could find balance. I will be forever grateful for how attuned to my feelings he has been.

In the last 16 years we have had more freedom to travel together. I call my husband “The International Man of Mystery” because he has been to so many places and knows just how to travel. When we went to China together, he made sure that I was exactly prepared for what would happen, and I didn’t worry for a minute. He taught me how to be a good traveler and because of that I am confident to travel without him when I must. At home we are just happy to spend time together. You might think that our marriage is perfect, but it’s not. We have our little flare-ups now and again, but we always realize that under any disagreement, we are happier together than we would ever be apart. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s perfect for us. If you want to learn about having a marriage based on deep friendship, here is the link to a great book on marriage. https://smile.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1476140211&sr=8-1&keywords=john+gottman

60 years ago, on October 3, 1956, my parents were married. They were married civilly, in a nice little restaurant in Roy Utah, surrounded by their families and friends. Within the first year of their marriage they welcomed my brother, Doug, into the family. Later Dan, Philip and I also graced their life.

My dad told my mom that one day he would take her to the temple. There were many sacrifices that had to be made along the way. My mother stayed home with the children. She made sure he had clean socks and a drink for when he walked in the door. My dad worked hard and learned a lot about his job. For a while, he went on many trips for work which didn’t sit well with my mom. He took a different position that let him be home more with his family. They left their extended family in Utah and went to live the adventure in California. In California, my mother realized that she didn’t know anyone. She decided to go back to church. She really wanted my dad to come too, but it was hard for him to do. She prayed about it. She felt prompted by the Spirit to accept any calling. She was called to the Primary. One Sunday, while my father was home with me and my mother and brothers were at church, someone knocked on the door. It was visitors from a different church, asking my father if he wanted to come to their services. He said that he had better go with his wife. And he did. There was a lovely Nursery leader at church that took me in, even though I was too young for the nursery, so my Dad and the Bishop could have long talks on Sunday. My dad sacrificed. He gave up coffee. He gave up drinking. He gave up smoking. He wanted something better, and he was willing to sacrifice. It was not easy. It took a long time. In November of 1967, my father and mother were sealed in the Los Angeles temple for time and for eternity. This is a ceremony that is performed in Mormon temples that binds on earth and in heaven. Covenants are made between the couple and God that they will observe His commandments and abide in His covenants in order to take their marriage beyond death. I remember watching my mother come into the sealing room. She was as beautiful as a bride. Considering how small I was, (just over 4 years old) it was remarkable that I can even remember that, but I do. They served in the church. They taught their children to pray. They were happy.

My father passed away on February 1, 1969 on a boy scout outing. It was a hard, unhappy time for us. My mother was told that she was not meant to raise her children alone, but that was not the Lord speaking. She dated, but she sacrificed. She would not let someone into her life that would damage her children. She would not let someone in her life who wanted her to break her sealing covenants. She raised us, not alone, but with help from church leaders, family, and friends. It’s been almost 50 years since my father passed away, and my mother remains true to the covenants she made. In the Doctrine and Covenants, section 98:8-9 we read: “Verily I say unto you, all among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken, and their spirits contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice—yea, every sacrifice which I, the Lord, shall command—they are accepted of me. For I, the Lord, will cause them to bring forth as a very fruitful tree which is planted in a goodly land, by a pure stream, that yieldeth much precious fruit.” As she looks at her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I think she sees a very fruitful tree in a goodly land.

The Freedoms We Need to Protect

The Freedoms We Need to Protect This week in class we were asked to read the Supreme Court Decision on Gay Marriage. For a document that had 109 pages it wasn’t that hard to read. At first, as I read it, I thought that their arguments for making the decision to uphold Gay Marriage as legal in all 50 states sounded pretty reasonable. I was even happy that they had included in their decision a passage about religious people who might not believe that such a marriage was proper before God. They said, “Finally, it must be emphasized that religions, and those who adhere to religious doctrines, may continue to advocate with utmost and sincere conviction that, by divine precepts, same-sex marriage should not be condoned. The First Amendment ensures that religious organizations and persons are given proper protection as they seek to teach the principles that are so fulfilling and so central to their lives and faiths, and to their own deep aspirations to continue the family structure they have long revered.” (Opinion of the Court section IV) It sounded good, until I read the dissentions and then I really got into what the 4 dissenting judges were upset about. They tell us that this isn’t really a victory for either side, because what the Supreme Court did, with very little precedent, is to take away the right of the people of this nation to decide this matter for themselves. They said that the democratic process was working itself out in the States as they continued to draft legislation and put it to the voters. The affirm that in the end, it might have ended up that they would have had the same result, but as the will of the people, not as the interpretation of 5 out of 9 judges on the Supreme Court. The other thing that bothered the dissenters was the idea that religious liberty could be compromised by this decision. To quote Justice Roberts, “The majority graciously suggests that religious believers may continue to “advocate” and “teach” their views of marriage. ... The First Amendment guarenteens, however, the freedom to “exercise” religion. Ominously not a word the majority uses.” He is also concerned that the majority opinion seems to give same-sex advocates a forum to prosecute and denigrate those who oppose this legislation. He says, “By the majority’s account, Americans who did nothing more than follow the understanding of marriage that has existed for our entire history – in particular the tens of millions of people who voted to reaffirm their States’ enduring definition of marriage – have acted to “lock … out,” “disparage,” “disrespect and subordinate,” and inflict “[d]ignitary wounds” upon their gay and lesbian neighbors.” So what is to be done by religious people who view things from a more eternal viewpoint? Elder Dallin H. Oaks recently said, “In these distressing times our freedom and hope can best be fostered by five actions: (1) We must concentrate on what we have in common with our neighbors and fellow citizens. (2) We must strive for mutual understanding and treat all with goodwill. (3) We must exercise patience. (4) We should all speak out for religion and the importance of religious freedom. And (5) we must, above all, trust in God and His promises” (Of Elections, Hope and Freedom, BYU Devotional, September 13, 2016). Last week in the General Women’s Session of Stake Conference, Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson said, “I worry that we live in such an atmosphere of avoiding offense that we sometimes altogether avoid teaching correct principles. We fail to teach our young women that preparing to be a mother is of utmost importance because we don’t want to offend those who aren’t married or those who can’t have children, or to be seen as stifling future choices. On the other hand, we may also fail to emphasize the importance of education because we don’t want to send the message that it is more important than marriage. We avoid declaring that our Heavenly Father defines marriage as being between a man and woman because we don’t want to offend those who experience same-sex attraction. And we may find it uncomfortable to discuss gender issues or healthy sexuality. Certainly, sisters, we need to use sensitivity, but let us also use our common sense and our understanding of the plan of salvation to be bold and straightforward when it comes to teaching our children and youth the essential gospel principles they must understand to navigate the world in which they live. If we don’t teach our children and youth true doctrine—and teach it clearly—the world will teach them Satan’s lies” (“Rise Up in Strength, Sisters in Zion,” September 24, 2016) To me, freedom of speech and freedom to exercise our religious liberty are serious matters. As uncomfortable or unhappy as some free speech might make us, it is worth to it support it because we want the right to speak our minds and to speak about those things that are deeply meaningful to us. We can help the current climate by keeping our tone reasonable and respectful, but failure to speak up will ultimately lose us more than we would gain.

Hello Internet: Here is me starting a blog about Marriage. I think I have something to say, having been married for more than 28 years and still happy and thriving. I am taking a class through BYU-I that requires this blog, but I am going to have fun doing it. The first topic to discuss is Marriage, Divorce and Co-habitation. The first thing you need to know is that we live in a throw away culture that is trying to convince us at all times that we are unhappy with our present situation. All of the commercials, internet memes, media presentations seem to suggest that if we would just change our circumstances, we would be truly be following our dreams and then we would be happy. This mythical state of being where we are always happy and fulfilled all the time is just that; a myth. There is no wonder product, no magic pill, and no lifestyle of the rich and clueless that will guarantee our happiness. We, as a society, are stuck on a hamster wheel, endless moving in circles and not understanding why we are constantly unhappy. That leads me again to the subject of Marriage, divorce and co-habitation. The studies are in, they’ve been repeated countless times over many years. Our nation is in a selfish habit of serial monogamy that does not work. It does not work. In the 2012 report called “The State of Our Unions,” we find that in Middle America, 60% of young people will likely never marry. They put it off, they settle for co-habitation because they don’t want to make a mistake and be stuck in an unhappy marriage. Sadly, most of these relationships end, because they are meant to end, leaving frustrated parents and unhappy children who wish their parents understood. A few years ago, my stepson was in this type of relationship with a woman who had 2 children from previous relationships. Her daughter looked at me one day, tears in her 5 year old eyes and said, “Don’t they understand? They’re supposed to live happily ever after?” My stepson himself was a victim of this same lifestyle with a mother who flitted from relationship to relationship, never happy, never staying with any one person for longer than a few years. It unsettled his life and still affects how he sees the world, even into his 30’s. Another chilling statistic that is mentioned in “The State of Our Unions,” is that you can see the decline of the middle class economically following the decline of marriage in our nation. Studies have shown for years that people who stay in a committed marriage over time are happier, healthier and more economically sound than those who cohabitate or those who divorce. So how do you stay in a long term committed marriage? I admit, I do not have all the answers, but this much I do know. In order to stay happy in my own marriage, my husband and I understand that attitude is everything. We have to look for the good in our relationship in order to find the contentment we need to stay in there and keep fighting for it every day. One thing that I go back to, time after time, is the happiest moment of my life. When I walked into the Salt Lake LDS Temple to get married, my groom was waiting for me. That was the moment of that day that I cherish. I realized that he really wanted to be with me. He was excited to start our life together. So when days are long, when we’re talking over each other, when the tiny annoyances build up, I go back to that moment and then I remember other moments that have told me that I want to be with him and he wants to be with me, and we can work anything out because what we have built together is too precious to throw away.